The Subliminal Cycle

It is so hard to focus.  My mind is boggled down with day-to-day issues and I am currently sitting here zoned out.  Prioritizing has not been my strongest point but I am finally going to have to let some things go and make more sacrifices to get the things that NEED to be resolved, taken care of.  How can one really focus or remember matters that are not on top of the priority list.  I can’t.   As I see it, I am not happy with my productivity, all across the board.  I feel like in a way, I am falling back into my prideful ways and not opening my mouth.  Embarrassment, maybe.  The feeling of failure and thoughts of bad decisions need to be replaced with self-fulfillment and constant positive thoughts.  Not saying I am not positive but there must be a crack in my mental wall somewhere that keeps letting the not so positive thoughts seep through.  I feel like I need guidance, a mentor; prayer and blind faith. Strength? I mean how much stronger can I get.  I already know I can handle it.  Weakness is not in the cards dealt.  It’s funny, last week my Dom mentioned that I get made about having emotions and I need to appreciate my emotions.  I respond to his text but I have heard that so many times.  In my mind “emotional” equals tears; tears equal no control; and no control equals weakness.  Not til recently when I started reading Iyanla Vanzant’s Peace from broken Pieces did I realize how fucked up that thinking is.  But whose fault is that? The single mothers that raised me that showed no weakness?  The women that showed no tears?  The ones that showed no failures?  As a child we watch adults and often times we see from an obscured point of view.  We don’t see the blueprints and the inner workings for things that were Getting Done.  Time and time again, I can recall how crying was not really encouraged in my mom’s household.  I remember being told that maybe I needed to go to therapy to talk to someone.  Growing up in my family talking to any type of counselor even the guidance counselor at school was an absolute No-No!  It’s like if you had to “talk” about it you were labeled as a nut that couldn’t resolve your own problems and it would be documented in a permanent file that follow you for the rest of your life.  I swear my thinking is all messed up.  Why were these things instilled in me? Do I still believe them? Even worse, I am questioning if am subliminally feeding my children the same foolishness without even knowing.  Am I too tough on my kids?  Is my motto “Stop Crying and Start Trying” a repeat cycle of what was said to me about expression of feelings. Are my kids interpreting crying as not trying?  What kind of message am I relating?  I feel like an entire can of worms have been opened and I am questioning a lot of things in regards to my relationships and my parenting. Ehhhh *side eyes*