Breaking The Cycle

They say ignorance is bliss. And sometimes you wish what you learned you never would have found out. You wish that you had stayed in the dark. Because knowing and being awakened makes you ask too many questions. Questions about your self that makes you feel uncomfortable. And many folks don't like to be taken out of the comfort zone that they have created. Whether it was created with lies, fantasies, or delusions. On the positive side you see your errors and you correct them or work towards correcting them.
These were all of the things I thought and felt when reading Iyanla Vanzant's "Peace From Broken Pieces".
I questioned some of my practices as a parent. Wondering if my children are receiving subliminal messages from me. I wondered if by being a single parent I unknowingly said or did something around my children that try will remember and take with them into adulthood. I thought of my upbringing and saw similarities in the patterns of my life and the story Ms. Iyanla shared.
It made me a bit uneasy while reading it but now I know the correct steps to make changes. I am thankful for knowing and being able to observe. I am thankful for being able to change.

The Subliminal Cycle

It is so hard to focus.  My mind is boggled down with day-to-day issues and I am currently sitting here zoned out.  Prioritizing has not been my strongest point but I am finally going to have to let some things go and make more sacrifices to get the things that NEED to be resolved, taken care of.  How can one really focus or remember matters that are not on top of the priority list.  I can’t.   As I see it, I am not happy with my productivity, all across the board.  I feel like in a way, I am falling back into my prideful ways and not opening my mouth.  Embarrassment, maybe.  The feeling of failure and thoughts of bad decisions need to be replaced with self-fulfillment and constant positive thoughts.  Not saying I am not positive but there must be a crack in my mental wall somewhere that keeps letting the not so positive thoughts seep through.  I feel like I need guidance, a mentor; prayer and blind faith. Strength? I mean how much stronger can I get.  I already know I can handle it.  Weakness is not in the cards dealt.  It’s funny, last week my Dom mentioned that I get made about having emotions and I need to appreciate my emotions.  I respond to his text but I have heard that so many times.  In my mind “emotional” equals tears; tears equal no control; and no control equals weakness.  Not til recently when I started reading Iyanla Vanzant’s Peace from broken Pieces did I realize how fucked up that thinking is.  But whose fault is that? The single mothers that raised me that showed no weakness?  The women that showed no tears?  The ones that showed no failures?  As a child we watch adults and often times we see from an obscured point of view.  We don’t see the blueprints and the inner workings for things that were Getting Done.  Time and time again, I can recall how crying was not really encouraged in my mom’s household.  I remember being told that maybe I needed to go to therapy to talk to someone.  Growing up in my family talking to any type of counselor even the guidance counselor at school was an absolute No-No!  It’s like if you had to “talk” about it you were labeled as a nut that couldn’t resolve your own problems and it would be documented in a permanent file that follow you for the rest of your life.  I swear my thinking is all messed up.  Why were these things instilled in me? Do I still believe them? Even worse, I am questioning if am subliminally feeding my children the same foolishness without even knowing.  Am I too tough on my kids?  Is my motto “Stop Crying and Start Trying” a repeat cycle of what was said to me about expression of feelings. Are my kids interpreting crying as not trying?  What kind of message am I relating?  I feel like an entire can of worms have been opened and I am questioning a lot of things in regards to my relationships and my parenting. Ehhhh *side eyes*

ANNOYED

I am so tired of whiny ass complaining people. The shit is annoying and old. Like what now. Stay up off my line with that shit. Like really life is that tough, huh? No! Your just spoiled. This nonsense you crying over i been through worse shit than that before elementary school was over. Come the fuck on and shut the fuck up.
I'm tired of folks whining about shit and yet they still sitting on they ASS. Make moves. Damn! I swear I think my kids are more productive than some folks out here. I remove myself slowly when folks aren't helping them self. Like are you talking to hear yourself talk or you just want attention from anyone who will give.
See this is prolly why folks don't ask me shit cause I will kick it to them raw every time. I don't have time to waste my breath, pussyfooting and stroking the ego when folks need to take action.

Don't fret

I don't know why I am so bothered. I suppose staying up late has finally caught up with me. My mind just wants to rest and not think about anything for like 2 good days. Give me a chance to recoup. I feel like I am wasting energy on things that are not priority. I have to change that. Overall I am happy with the direction that things are going. I am thankful for the support I have from my friends. They encourage me a little more on the days that I start to get discouraged. I am glad that I am able to support them in the same way or whenever needed.

Searching for food

Waiting for my breakfast and I just saw a bird pick at a piece of trash hoping that it was food. It was not do he flew away. I thought to myself damn this bird must be hungry. Then unthought back to the old days when birds were fed by good citizens, people barely do that shit now. Then I thought how the fuck did birds eat I'm sure humans were not always throwing out old bread crumbs. I am sure they ate from trees or other natural elements for nourishment. Maybe if we didn't cut down all the trees birds wouldn't have to try and chew old disposed of gum off the pavement. Just doesn't seem how things were created to be. Idk, just one little action started a chain reaction of thoughts.

*sighs*

Headed to another funeral. I swear I think this is how I'm going to die. It must be genetics

Inside a Scorpio's Mind (just a little bit)

How is it someone will try and throw you under the bus but as a Scorpio you are in their head you know the motives and plots they have before them.  I keep my eyes open and my concerns are confirmed.  Paranoia? Nah, facts.  Chess play your move.  One step behind me always.  So fucking predictable.  Scorpios deal with logic, plots, plans, manipulations, and deceit.  I would never cross a fellow Scorpio because that would bring on a never ending silent mental war.  A battle of the jealous and unforgiving.  When a fellow Scorpio crosses me I would accept.  Never fold my hand.  The shit will never end.  How can you battle yourself (per say).  Just wait.  Eventually one will make the move that will bring its own demise.  I don't care if it takes twenty years.  The entire time watching your prey squirm while laughing inside.  Its funny, I have so many Scorpio friends male and female and we all know better.  Only a dummy would step out there and cross that unspoken line.  Only the immature and unprepared would make such a hasty move.  Ive been laughing all week.  I just sit back and say.  I see.  With a sly smile and fire behind my eyes. Waiting. Watching the worm on the hook dance around from fear but the bait never comes.